I Won't Be Buying ...

By Jack Lang of Snap, Kaká and Pop!

“So, the things I’m loving right now …” Only McDonalds-inspired losers use the phrase “I’m loving X.” (And seriously, just think what kind of person is actually inspired by McDonalds.)

I vomited when you said “vintage pushbike.” 

Yes, I like knitting and bubble baths. Feminism? No, never heard of it.

My bike was a present from my husband. He’s the breadwinner. Obviously. 

He also bought the bath, so I can pretty myself up for when he comes home. Looking good is a woman’s duty. 

I also adore this (clearly shit) coffee. It’s great for impressing my hubby’s work friends when they come over.

I can also make it for my friends whenever my husband lets me have visitors. Which is never.

Don’t get me wrong; he’s good to me. Double bed in my prison cell. Makeup for the bruises.

Kenco: coffee for people who don’t believe in gender equality. Now where’s my 7pm blowjob?

Apparently, there has been some controversy over this advert, which threatens to fundamentally damage the development of the children of the nation by brutally and thoughtlessly revealing to them that Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, is not real, and that it is in fact “Mum” who provides the presents.

Apparently, there has been absolutely no controversy over the fact that this advert is explicitly linking good parenting with gratuitous purchasing, replacing the relatively innocent Father Christmas myth — gifts given in exchange for good behaviour, which at least attempts to establish some kind of moral base for the whole splurge — with the more pernicious narrative that drives modern consumerism. This is the first and only principle: if you do not spend, spend, SPEND, without thought for the consequences, you are an inadequate human being. You are a failed entity. You are a poor parent. And you’ve ruined Christmas.

Rise, seas. Fall, skies. We’re done. We’re done.