I Won't Be Buying ...

Ten questions.

1. Is this mystery man part of the medical staff? A steward? Is he registered to play?

2. What shirt is that, on the “Dutch” players? Not like Nike to be so modest.

3. Why does Van Persie begin his run-up before our mystery man is in position? Not very sporting.

4. Why do we only see three England players, plus the stricken goalkeeper, and whoever’s stood on Glen Johnson’s right? That’s four outfield players. You need at least five for a shoot-out, and at least seven in total to avoid the game being abandoned.

5. How, exactly, can we “work, rest, play our part for England”? By eating Mars Bars? How will that help? Because if we charged onto the pitch at the sharp end of an international, we’d be Tasered by security before we could shout “AND ST. GEORGE!”

6. Why is there a general presumption on the part of advertising agencies and their creative minds that throwing together an embarrassing, slapdash, incoherent mishmash of footballing components, with scant regard for production values or logic, or without a shred of respect for the intelligence of their intended target market, will help them sell their product?

7. Why are they right?

8. Why, given the brutal assault on all that is good and holy that this advert represents, would you release not one but two ‘making of’ mini-features?

9. What does Walcott say to Parker? Does it contain the words “dignity”, or “self-respect”, or “a new low for the human race”?

10. Why oh why doesn’t he finish his fucking Mars Bar?

Apparently, there has been some controversy over this advert, which threatens to fundamentally damage the development of the children of the nation by brutally and thoughtlessly revealing to them that Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, is not real, and that it is in fact “Mum” who provides the presents.

Apparently, there has been absolutely no controversy over the fact that this advert is explicitly linking good parenting with gratuitous purchasing, replacing the relatively innocent Father Christmas myth — gifts given in exchange for good behaviour, which at least attempts to establish some kind of moral base for the whole splurge — with the more pernicious narrative that drives modern consumerism. This is the first and only principle: if you do not spend, spend, SPEND, without thought for the consequences, you are an inadequate human being. You are a failed entity. You are a poor parent. And you’ve ruined Christmas.

Rise, seas. Fall, skies. We’re done. We’re done.

By Ethan Dean-Richards of Surreal Football

Microsoft is ubiquitous, even amongst the middle-aged, but those people don’t constantly re-update their hardware and that doesn’t make money. This was the problem that Microsoft asked their ad guys to get onto this year.

Some kind of bizarre song, then? Or the misappropriation of a stunning landscape for no particular reason? No, neither of those. Advertising has become too nebulous, Microsoft officials told their guys. It’s got to be simple – direct – or the oldies won’t be taken in.

Ah, right. We’ll take Microsoft’s hideous metaphorical invasion into older people’s homes and just thwack the literal embodiment of it into an ad then. We’ll also call it a PC over and over again, because that’s what over fifties call them. Could we be more overt? Yeah, let’s make the woman choose the PC based on its appearance.

Eat this, you old fogies: we’re coming to your house, uninvited, patronising you and playing on your lack of knowledge to make you choose something which you don’t want or need. 

Oh, and you’ll be a woman too, because we think we can bully you more easily. We’re Microsoft, we’re like that.

Here’s what, ideally, would happen when the woman walks in and finds the Micro-scum team in there:

MICROMAN: “Thanks for erm dropping i-“

WOMAN: “[Screams] You fucking psychopath! I told you no in the shop and I saw you follow me back here! I’m calling the police”

MICROMAN; “Yeah, that’s not happening, the phones have been disconnected.”

WOMAN pulls gun.

End scene.