I Won't Be Buying ...

In the beginning, Coke created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Coke moved upon the face of the waters.

And Coke said, Let there be light: and there was light. And Coke saw the light, that it was good: and Coke divided the light from the darkness. And Coke called the light Christmas, and the darkness they called Pepsi. And the evening and the morning were the first Christmas day.

Apparently, there has been some controversy over this advert, which threatens to fundamentally damage the development of the children of the nation by brutally and thoughtlessly revealing to them that Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, is not real, and that it is in fact “Mum” who provides the presents.

Apparently, there has been absolutely no controversy over the fact that this advert is explicitly linking good parenting with gratuitous purchasing, replacing the relatively innocent Father Christmas myth — gifts given in exchange for good behaviour, which at least attempts to establish some kind of moral base for the whole splurge — with the more pernicious narrative that drives modern consumerism. This is the first and only principle: if you do not spend, spend, SPEND, without thought for the consequences, you are an inadequate human being. You are a failed entity. You are a poor parent. And you’ve ruined Christmas.

Rise, seas. Fall, skies. We’re done. We’re done.