1. Is this mystery man part of the medical staff? A steward? Is he registered to play?
2. What shirt is that, on the “Dutch” players? Not like Nike to be so modest.
3. Why does Van Persie begin his run-up before our mystery man is in position? Not very sporting.
4. Why do we only see three England players, plus the stricken goalkeeper, and whoever’s stood on Glen Johnson’s right? That’s four outfield players. You need at least five for a shoot-out, and at least seven in total to avoid the game being abandoned.
5. How, exactly, can we “work, rest, play our part for England”? By eating Mars Bars? How will that help? Because if we charged onto the pitch at the sharp end of an international, we’d be Tasered by security before we could shout “AND ST. GEORGE!”
6. Why is there a general presumption on the part of advertising agencies and their creative minds that throwing together an embarrassing, slapdash, incoherent mishmash of footballing components, with scant regard for production values or logic, or without a shred of respect for the intelligence of their intended target market, will help them sell their product?
7. Why are they right?
8. Why, given the brutal assault on all that is good and holy that this advert represents, would you release not one but two ‘making of’ mini-features?
9. What does Walcott say to Parker? Does it contain the words “dignity”, or “self-respect”, or “a new low for the human race”?
10. Why oh why doesn’t he finish his fucking Mars Bar?